random

no one comes here now but me. its a place of solitude where i calm down. i feel like crying. but i wont. i am confused with myself and the situation, but i am going to trust everytinhg. what is my definition of a relationship? am i too naive to understand? i dont understand the adult word, i dont understand having a mature mind, i am always scared of making mistakes and yet i still make millions of them. i confuse my partner, i sometimes feel like a robot because i dont know what to think, what to feel or what to say? my heart is aching but i dont know why. i am a mess but i dont know how to clean myself up. i want to do things for other people but i need to start with myself. but if i dont understand myself from the start how will i even start doing things for anyone? am i ready to even live a life normally? i want to cut but i wont. my thoughts are everywhere and my eczema is itching. im afraid to take a step. i dont know what step to take. ive just been a blur all my life. i m just a fog in the lens. im just a small tree in a forest. i dont know who i am. do i deserve this life? i dont know and i guess i will never know.