sensibility

i had to learn sensibility the hard way.




you know of how i never fail to mention that i'm really sensitive? i'm sensitive over the fact of me being sensitive. i needed bliz (refer to posts in 2013) to indirectly tell me off that i was way too sensitive, and because he said this, i indeed increased my sensitivity. because of this, he gave up on me. i never wanted it to happen again, until now.

i guess i just became so conscious about the fact that i was so sensitive that i totally forgot how to be sensible. i'm sometimes unaware of what's going on cause i'm too focused on myself and my weaknesses, my own problems and mental instability.

something happened today, on 16/5. my sensitivity got over me  — again. i took a light joke that was made by a guy too seriously that it lead to a serious fight between me and one of my "great" (<- at least that's how he put it) friends (let's put him as friend A). my emotions got the best of me and i just assumed the wrong and broke down, raging on my phone and crying while the others who heard the joke were practically still laughing their butts off. i just got so emotional cause of the joke they made relating to me. i felt so humiliated, and to me it seemed as if they made me sound like some despo who needed so much attention. i just got so sensitive i thought that i just couldn't trust anyone anymore. i needed someone(friend B) to calm me down cos i was just that infuriated.

and then after i got back to my senses another one of my friends(friend C. i have lots of friends pft) who made fun of me regarding the joke told me to "be sensible, not sensitive". i apologised to him after that cause i raged at him too (oops, sorry again to you know who you are). i was remembered about another time when friend A cursed me saying i was so insensible and he was like

"can you *deetdeet* be sensible for once"

yeap, i learnt sensibility the hard way. those words were so burning i got so depressed for a week. i was always crying, and i talked to so many friends about his words and our strained friendship cos i was so so so bothered about it. it got me thinking,
"did i really piss him off that much?"
"am i really insensible?"
"so sensitive but so insensible".
after a whole week, friend A approached me and we were back on good terms for that time being, even God acknowledged our friendship by putting a rainbow in the sky while we were in church (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHA). but we're back on bad terms sorry to say.

and yeah, i guess being sensible is better than being sensitive.
i'm always ranting about how sensitive i am, never thinking about being sensible.
too much sensitivity took my sensibility away, making me so self-centered, selfish, clingy and attention-seeking.

thanks to friends A,B and C for making me realise this. i'll try to become a better person from now on. and you know who you are A. whether you're reading this or not, honestly i'm speechless. but i'm sorry. i know my emotions love love love to get the best of me. please bear with me. you don't have to please me. i'll be more independent. i'll be more sensible. i won't think of myself too much. we're just two kittens licking each other's wounds. believe in me, A. i'll never let you down, ever again.


@maryxtinylamb

be strong, love.

be sad, love.

feel worthless.
feel dumb.
feel sad.
be broken.

but keep your eyes wide open, love.

feel worth it.
feel smart.
feel good.
be happy.

at the other side, someone is feeling the exact same way as you.
everyone's feeling the same way as you.
but what do they do about it?
they keep it in.
because they look out for those who are suffering the same way.
because they know exactly how it feels.

be strong, love.

# jasmine thompson ; drop your guard.


@maryxtinylamb

two-faced

have you ever felt so worthless. 
when everyone's just against you, and you feel like you're lower than dirt.
when your world is just crashing down and all of your emotions are just messed up. 
when you don't even know how to feel, what to even feel and what's your next step. 
                                                                                                      - the second face. 


people are two-faced.
the first face is the face they show to everyone — the happy face.
the face that everyone sees, not knowing what is happening behind the mask.
they don't question themselves, asking 'is this person really okay?' or 'i wonder if she's forever joyful' because they're just so occupied with their own things. everyone says a 'hello' to the first face, and the first face greets back a warm 'hey', but deep inside hides the second face.

the second face is what everyone has. the face they dare not show anyone. the shy face which actually shows so much more emotion than the first. but the second face never appears. it appears at night, when almost the whole world is sleeping.

when the second face can't take the pain anymore, it will take out a razor and start sharpening it's emotions, cutting off all the pain away, but leaving scars. the second face says 'hey it's okay, the first face will clean up the mess for me.' and so the first face does.

the first face wears a jacket, or perhaps many bracelets, or maybe even covering it with concealer, hiding all of the damage that the second face has done. the first face tells everyone who asks that it  just "accidentally" scratched itself somewhere, and "everything is fine". but is it?  no. and the second face will know this very well.

at the end of the day, both faces are the same person. and either way, the person is hurting herself.

i'm fine guys, everything is fine. 

- the first face. 

this was a pointless blogpost, so don't go criticizing it asking why i wrote this in the first place. this whole thing was written with my whole heart, of what i'm feeling now and what i want to write. own blog, own perspective, own emotions, nothing owned by you. 

@maryxtinylamb

    looneysea.tumblr.com

good morning and goodnight

It's already mid-Feb and only now then i updating blog lmao ahahah.

Ok so anyways, I'm back. Nothing new here since I rarely update.

Sec 3 life has been fun so far, and not to mention very stressful.
There's so many things going on at the same time, and it always seems like I'm not having enough time for myself anymore. Everyone needs to have their own down time every now and then, and it's so hard to find that time I need for myself, since everyday's a new day and a new adventure.

Everything is starting to pile up though. After something finishes, a new project comes, and the worrying is endless. For now I'm still able to cope with my studies, and hope that I'll be able to maintain this until after CAs, since I'm not having any kind of tuition now hahah. (but sure will die for amaths lah lol)

-

Many people have taught me that i shoudn't fully depend on people, especially when they don't even seem to care. They just sweet talk you to make you believe in them, but when you're drowning by yourself, they dont come to save you. They leave you drowning, gasping for air.

This year I want to make a change. I don't want to be that carefree mary that i always was, I want to be more careful in choosing who my real friends are because;

Sometimes we're just too blind to see that someone is always there for us when we're chasing after someone that never gives us the attention we deserve.
Sometimes we just have to open our eyes and see what we fail to see.
Sometimes you just got to ask yourself, who's really there for you?

Who's the person that truly cares about you?
Who's the person that will never fail to greet you good morning and goodnight when no one else does?
Who's the person that accepts you for you are, no matter how beautiful or ugly you are on the inside and outside?
Who's the person who will always love you no matter what?
Remember, God gave us eyes not to just see, but to also find and look for the ones that genuinely like and accept you.
Never take anyone for granted. Always open up, look around you. When you think that you're all alone, wake up. Someone is there for you. You just fail to see it.


So imma end it here. Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! I'm going to end this off by sharing with you some of the photos from the impromptu shoot with my fam yesterday (:

@maryxtinylamb
    looneysea.tumblr.com

TMI + christmas

hey guys! 

so christmas is coming yay! 

and since christmas is coming, ( and cause of pure boredom ) , imma do the TMI tag YAY.
well you're supposed to do it on youtube, but since i'm not a youtuber i'll do mine here huehuehuhe
why not hehehheh no one's stopping me bahahahhhahah. ok imma start lol

1: What are you wearing?
    shirt and fbts lmao.

2: Ever been in love?
    i guess so.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
    no lol.

4: How tall are you?
    uhm.. 150 HAHA.

5: How much do you weigh?
    around 38-40kg?

6: Any tattoos?
    nope. 

7: Any piercings?
    only on my ears haha. 

8: OTP (One True Pairing)
    ASUNA AND KIRITO. 
    but i also like kaisoo and taeeun AHHA 

9: Favorite show
    sao. rewatched it countless times. 

10: Favorite bands
      i dont really have a specific band i like hahah.
     
11: Something you miss
      my lamb i lost 10 years ago.

12: Favorite song
      for now i like immortals aha. 

13: How old are you?
      turning 15 next year. ahem very soon ahem.

14: Zodiac sign
      dragoon.

15: Quality you look for in a partner
      he must be a friggin gentleman. someone who knows his manners.

16: Favorite Quote
      hahah the first thing that came into my mind was "you are the potato to my couch" HAHAH 
       creds to cheyenne lim shuang. 
      but a proper quote would probably be "ignorance is bliss" just because the word bliss sounds nice       HAAHHAHA. SO TUMBLRY. 

17: Favorite actor
      me laik josh hutcherson heheh.

18: Favorite color
      it changes. i like all so meh

19: Loud music or soft?
      soft. not too soft tho. 

20: Where do you go when you're sad?
      ma bed. or like, somewhere farfarfarfarfarfarfar away...

21: How long does it take you to shower?
      15-20 mins?? maybehh.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
      on school days like 45 mins to an hour HAHAH. 

23: Ever been in a physical fight?
      noop. 

24: Turn on
      hmmm guys with dimples maybe. 

25: Turn off
      super vulgar guys haha i'm sorry but it's a nono for me. 

26: The reason I joined Youtube
      imma skip. 

27: Fears
      i used to have a huge fear of the dark, now not so bad lah AHHA. 

28: Last thing that made you cry
      the last episode of sao pft. 

29: Last time you said you loved someone
      uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a few days ago..

30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name
     imma skip too lol. 

31: Last book you read
      everyday by david levithan. IM STILL READING IT PFT. 

32: The book you're currently reading
      ^ answered.

33: Last show you watched
      is lion king 2 counted hahah last video i watched was the pixar theory video lol.

34: Last person you talked to
      ehh my auntie. she asked me to close the door lol.

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted
      uhm captains of each other's ships lmao what kind of-

36: Favorite food
      i love dem bk mexican drumlets bhahha.

37: Place you want to visit
      i wna go japannn. 

38: Last place you were
      school ugh

39: Do you have a crush?
      nah not now. aint nobody got time for dat.

40: Last time you kissed someone
      probably my brother lol. YOUNGER brother.

41: Last time you were insulted
      yesterday pft stupid cap.

42: Favorite flavor of sweet
      is coffee a flavor?

43: What instruments do you play
      piano, guitar ha ha ha ha.

44: Favorite piece of jewelry
     dem bracelet given by the bud AHAHA.

45: Last sport you played
      uhm idk i rarely play sports.

46: Last song you sang
      uhhhhh probably some christmas song tch AHAHHA IM FEELING FESTIVE GUYS. 

47: Favorite chat up line
      "YOU ARE MY POTATO TO MY COUCH" BAM. i still love that one.

48: Have you ever used it?
      no. HAHAHAHHAAH. i shall use it now. 

49: Last time you hung out with anyone
      with the gang last mondayyy hhaha. 

50: Who should answer these questions next?
      uhh whoever lah HAHAHHA i'm pretty sure everyone's too lazy to do this. 

ok yasss so merry christmas everyone! 

don't forget that there's a huge sale going on at h&m HAHA so buy dem clothes! 

i shall quote some christmas quote lol. totally got it from google HAHA.

Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

so enjoy your last week of holidays loves!

 buy dem school books cos school starts in two weeks! 

@maryxtinylamb
    looneysea.tumblr.com