Times have changed.

I'm coming back to this blog after a few years. Reading all my blog posts, I realise... I am still the same person. It kind of hurts seeing that I am still as sensitive as ever. It still hurts seeing all the heartbreaks I used to face, looking back at the 13-year old me having to over-exaggerate the life she was living.

It's October, and I'm 18 now. Despite the fact that 5 years have passed since I first posted on this blog, sometimes I still find myself reading my old posts and realising that I haven't exactly changed. I still have unanswered questions and sometimes I feel like I'm not moving an inch from my shell. Sometimes I feel like I'm just purposely doing this to protect myself, and sometimes the reason is as bright as day - to get the attention I seek from people who care.

It's been 5 years since this journey of self-seeking and insecurities started, and reflecting about it, I'm still unsure of whether I have made any progress in my self-growth. I would like to think that this journey of mine is normal, that all in their teens face. Sometimes I think that something is wrong with my brain because I overthink my situations way too much and I shed too many tears over-exaggerating issues and problems I face. Sometimes I think that there's really something wrong with my brain, and sometimes I convince myself that I am completely sane and ordinary.

Times have changed, scientifically and logically, but sometimes I feel like my world never moves. Time doesn't change, because sometimes I just feel the same. 

Strength

Was I stronger before I met people?

"If you want to be strong learn to enjoy being alone." - @thegoodquote.co

Before I engaged myself with people, I didn't mind being alone. I didn't mind shopping alone, I didn't mind eating alone. I didn't mind traveling alone nor did I mind watching movies alone. This sounds like the ultimate loner life but that was the life I was living back in my secondary school days. My friends would beg to differ and I would sound like I'm self-victimizing myself, but honestly, I didn't mind. It was somehow therapeutic to be alone. But now that I have very important people in my life and a loved one I never want to lose, has being dependent on them made me a weaker person?

Is being independent the only justification of how strong a person is? Or can a person also be strong whilst being dependent on people? Is a person strong just because she is able to speak for herself? Or can a person also be strong when she needs a voice to speak for her?

How do I tell myself that I've become a stronger person as compared to the 15-year-old me? How do I tell myself that 'It's okay to fall' when all I want is to hold myself together? How do I break out of this never-ending loop of doubt I have in myself? Where do I start answering myself?

to:

i'm sorry for ignoring you.
i'm sorry for disappointing you.
i'm sorry for frustrating you.
i'm sorry for not replying to your messages.
i'm sorry for not loving you right.

i'm sorry for not being the person you thought i was.
i never dare to say what i really feel.
i'm always thinking of how pointless it is to tell you about how i truly feel
since it's something i have to fix within myself.
it's a fight within me, that even i myself is confused about.
i don't even understand myself
how will i be able to understand what's going on with other people?

it's funny of how people can create such great masks;
hiding all of their feelings
even being so convincing that people don't even know that they're hiding.
the truth is buried.
it seems as if the facade they put on is the real them.
it's amazing of how people do that.

i'm sorry for always being ignorant.
i'm sorry for being selfish.
i'm sorry for being an introvert and always keeping to myself.
i'm sorry for not being as great as her.

when you think you've gone through the worst,
but yet another earthquake strikes you.
you think that old scars are just reminders.
these scars are about to make new friends.

she's not as perfect as you thought she was.
she has flaws
which she keeps to herself.
you think the real person lies before you?
you thought wrong.

burning out.
feeling numb.
sharp knives.
go on.
can't.

i'm sorry for being unreachable.
i'm sorry for being so far away.
i'm sorry for having so many imperfections.
i'm sorry for being so weak.
you don't like how i act? me neither.

finding

everyone knows it's a new year. 

everyone also knows that usually in new years people want to start anew, start fresh, forget about 2015. 

yesterday, the 26th of january my teacher talked to me, asked me how I was. How i've been feeling, how my relationships with different people were, if i was happy and all that. i told her in all honesty that i was happy. i am happy. i found my happiness once again when me and my family flew back to our homeland, and since then i've never been better. 

when i was there in the philippines i realised that i still had family. the whole of late 2015 i felt alone, even though i knew there were people there looking out for me. 2015 was just a really hard year for me. it was all right at first, but everything went downhill when March hit. 

i started getting lost, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. slowly i didn't know what i was supposed to do. so many things were happening at the same time, and as someone who sees everything as a huge huge picture, i couldn't take it. 

during my mid year exams i was so bothered by nonsensical stuff and small matters that actually didn't matter at all. my priorities weren't set right at all, even though i had a friend who constantly tried to remind me to set it right. i was so confused and i didn't know what to do. my family noticed the huge drop in my results, and i used "stressed" as an excuse. the real reason was because i was just simply lost. 

i felt alone in school even though i had great friends, and all i looked forward to was going to church. while doing so i failed to realise that i was wasting so much of my time just waiting during the weekdays. 

it's hard to believe since people see me as a really extroverted person. i express my feelings clearly, which includes starting a blog. 

i was still puzzled and i had no goal in mind at all even after the stab i got when i received my results slip of my mid-year exams.

times got rougher between May to August. My CA2 results were also really bad, even though i kind of already realised what was going on, that i wasn't setting my priorities right. Despite the fact that i attempted to change my phone to a smaller and "less smart" one in July, and i attempted to change my ways, i was still depressed. 

i even remember there was this one incident where i just walked into the classroom all glum and emotionless, and when my chemistry teacher walked in and started teaching, my emotions started building up so rapidly. thank god i was sitting alone that day. one of my classmates behind me offered to share her textbook with me that day since i forgot to bring mine. she suddenly noticed the weird aura surrounding me and asked if i was okay out of the blue. i suddenly started crying in front of her. lolsi hahahahahhahhahaahhahah. but i couldnt explain to her what i was feeling since even i myself didn't know what was going on inside me. 

Times were especially rough during August. 

so many fights were going on inside of me, my feelings and emotions got the better of me most of the time and i was hopeless and weak. i knew i needed a wake up call. my mom realised the change in my attitude towards studying and talked to me, asked me what was going on in my life. even my teacher noticed, and the only excuse i could give them was "I'm really stressed. there's alot of things going on now." (things referred to school stuff, like dance and house captain stuff). 

well of course i was also panicking. i was scared that i'd need to retain since i was practically failing almost everything. 

soon i realised that i just had to do something. i studied my butt off, i suddenly had so much drive in me, i swept all of my troubles under the carpet for the time being, and i just studied. i was constantly going to the library during weekends, making mindmaps, staying back in the canteen to do work. it was really hard especially when all the bad thoughts were just creeping at the back of your mind. 

i used studying as a distraction because i really needed one. i was scared that if i didn't have anything to do i'd be swallowed up by my thoughts again. i borrowed countless books from the public library to occupy myself during my free time,

though it was a different story during the unearthly hours. 

after my exams all my hardwork paid off, my teacher was proud of me, my parents were as well. i managed to pass most of my subjects with a decent score and i felt so much better. 

october was kind of a good month, kind of not. i mended ties, fixed most of my problems, stopped slashing and i felt so much more confident. i didn't really need to worry too much. 

november was a blur. november was just like a filler month. it was the month where i didn't really do much other than watch korean dramas, animes, went out on my own. it was confirmation month as well and i felt so enriched and good about myself. i was just waiting for time to pass. 

december was the bomb. we flew back and i felt like i was in heaven the whole time, even though there were some problems along the way. mostly being with my old friends and family, especially my cousins, made me feel really HOME. being with all of them made me feel so loved and accepted, and they all made me realise that i was never alone. they were all just  2,355km away from me, nonetheless still there for me. 

i learned how to love all over again. 

i found myself again. 

i found the true happy me. 

it's a brand new year and my teacher asked me how i was feeling, how i was coping and even pointed out my more matured thinking.

"A lot better. i realised that it's a new year and it's time for a change. i realised that the me before was way too sensitive. i started seeing things in a different light. going home was literally heaven. i feel so much better, so much more refreshed and so much more enlightened."

i know times will still be rough, it already has even though it's just January. I know it will get tougher since this year is different for us millennium babies, and it's hard even now when you know that your guardian angel is all the way in philippines. long distance relationships(not literally, im single lol) are really hard, but we'll all pull through. 

we will all pull through. you will too. 

@maryxtinylamb

the last day

it's been four years months since i last wrote a blog post. keke.

hello again fellow motherf readers, it's a brand new year, the year 2016. in another six years japan will be launching their nerve gear and sword art online will be killing 2,000 of their first players lol kidding.

it's a new year.
but before i touch on the new year i'd like to reminisce some of the lovely events that happened from september to december 2015.

september was full of studying and chiong-ing because of end-of-year examinations.

october was full of drama.

november was also full of drama. watching drama, korean drama AHAHA.

december was just pure fun and games and being in a completely different world for two weeks, forgetting about all the troubles and misunderstandings and school sh- stuff* because we finally flew back to pinoyland and had a reunion with our wonderful lovely cousins.

we're back to january with a bright (not really) new year ahead of us. time to make new friends and forget the old ones who may not have treasured you as much as you did to them. it's a new year, go easy on yourself. we've learnt many lessons during 2015 and as we grow a year older, we'll also be growing a year wiser. move on from the things that hurt you, learn from it and become a stronger person this year.

this is a short one but i'd like to end off with a quote that my sister lives by that she set it as her wallpaper (hi sis thanks for sharing your motto),

"Happiness is a choice." 
so are your actions.

have a great year ahead love!


@maryxtinylamb