take me out

take me out of this house.
all these unanswered questions.
all these secrets.
take me out this confusion.

set aside my pain.
make room for yours.
make you feel better.
and i will too.

dont let your feelings overwhelm you.
turn it into intuitive thinking.
turn it into positive energy.

he was right.
i am just impulsive.
i act without thinking of the future.
i act only thinking too much about the present.
i act only on impulse.

i think of temporary happiness.
what about eternal happiness with the person i love?
what about eternal freedom with the person i love?

what am i doing?
"sometimes you dont have to find what to say,
you justhave to find what to do next."

i dont know my next move.
what have i been learning in school?
what am i supposed to feel?
what am i supposed to think about?
what am i supposed to do?
what am i supposed to say?
how am i supposed to think?

ever since i was young i keep saying "i dont know"
i guess this habit has even brought me to finding my identity.
"who are you?"
i dont know.

random

no one comes here now but me. its a place of solitude where i calm down. i feel like crying. but i wont. i am confused with myself and the situation, but i am going to trust everytinhg. what is my definition of a relationship? am i too naive to understand? i dont understand the adult word, i dont understand having a mature mind, i am always scared of making mistakes and yet i still make millions of them. i confuse my partner, i sometimes feel like a robot because i dont know what to think, what to feel or what to say? my heart is aching but i dont know why. i am a mess but i dont know how to clean myself up. i want to do things for other people but i need to start with myself. but if i dont understand myself from the start how will i even start doing things for anyone? am i ready to even live a life normally? i want to cut but i wont. my thoughts are everywhere and my eczema is itching. im afraid to take a step. i dont know what step to take. ive just been a blur all my life. i m just a fog in the lens. im just a small tree in a forest. i dont know who i am. do i deserve this life? i dont know and i guess i will never know.

Times have changed.

I'm coming back to this blog after a few years. Reading all my blog posts, I realise... I am still the same person. It kind of hurts seeing that I am still as sensitive as ever. It still hurts seeing all the heartbreaks I used to face, looking back at the 13-year old me having to over-exaggerate the life she was living.

It's October, and I'm 18 now. Despite the fact that 5 years have passed since I first posted on this blog, sometimes I still find myself reading my old posts and realising that I haven't exactly changed. I still have unanswered questions and sometimes I feel like I'm not moving an inch from my shell. Sometimes I feel like I'm just purposely doing this to protect myself, and sometimes the reason is as bright as day - to get the attention I seek from people who care.

It's been 5 years since this journey of self-seeking and insecurities started, and reflecting about it, I'm still unsure of whether I have made any progress in my self-growth. I would like to think that this journey of mine is normal, that all in their teens face. Sometimes I think that something is wrong with my brain because I overthink my situations way too much and I shed too many tears over-exaggerating issues and problems I face. Sometimes I think that there's really something wrong with my brain, and sometimes I convince myself that I am completely sane and ordinary.

Times have changed, scientifically and logically, but sometimes I feel like my world never moves. Time doesn't change, because sometimes I just feel the same. 

Strength

Was I stronger before I met people?

"If you want to be strong learn to enjoy being alone." - @thegoodquote.co

Before I engaged myself with people, I didn't mind being alone. I didn't mind shopping alone, I didn't mind eating alone. I didn't mind traveling alone nor did I mind watching movies alone. This sounds like the ultimate loner life but that was the life I was living back in my secondary school days. My friends would beg to differ and I would sound like I'm self-victimizing myself, but honestly, I didn't mind. It was somehow therapeutic to be alone. But now that I have very important people in my life and a loved one I never want to lose, has being dependent on them made me a weaker person?

Is being independent the only justification of how strong a person is? Or can a person also be strong whilst being dependent on people? Is a person strong just because she is able to speak for herself? Or can a person also be strong when she needs a voice to speak for her?

How do I tell myself that I've become a stronger person as compared to the 15-year-old me? How do I tell myself that 'It's okay to fall' when all I want is to hold myself together? How do I break out of this never-ending loop of doubt I have in myself? Where do I start answering myself?

to:

i'm sorry for ignoring you.
i'm sorry for disappointing you.
i'm sorry for frustrating you.
i'm sorry for not replying to your messages.
i'm sorry for not loving you right.

i'm sorry for not being the person you thought i was.
i never dare to say what i really feel.
i'm always thinking of how pointless it is to tell you about how i truly feel
since it's something i have to fix within myself.
it's a fight within me, that even i myself is confused about.
i don't even understand myself
how will i be able to understand what's going on with other people?

it's funny of how people can create such great masks;
hiding all of their feelings
even being so convincing that people don't even know that they're hiding.
the truth is buried.
it seems as if the facade they put on is the real them.
it's amazing of how people do that.

i'm sorry for always being ignorant.
i'm sorry for being selfish.
i'm sorry for being an introvert and always keeping to myself.
i'm sorry for not being as great as her.

when you think you've gone through the worst,
but yet another earthquake strikes you.
you think that old scars are just reminders.
these scars are about to make new friends.

she's not as perfect as you thought she was.
she has flaws
which she keeps to herself.
you think the real person lies before you?
you thought wrong.

burning out.
feeling numb.
sharp knives.
go on.
can't.

i'm sorry for being unreachable.
i'm sorry for being so far away.
i'm sorry for having so many imperfections.
i'm sorry for being so weak.
you don't like how i act? me neither.