"Oh Mary, you've changed."

since i'm doing tbh on askfm now, i'll write one tbh here hehe;
tbh i wanted to blog about my ndp experience last month but it'd take years to type out all of the details so i gave up haha.

anyways.
today i realised that i was so oblivious to what was going on around me. i realised that i had been so blind this whole time. all this time i was just in my own world, thinking that everything was perfect. but no. of course it couldn't be.

for the past few weeks i have been hearing different stories from different people in my class. they all had different views of different matters. and when i collected all these 'data', i realised that i was being blindfolded the whole time. I didn't realise of how some people hated others, or of how some people are backstabbing each other without them knowing (not referring to anyone here. just in case some of my classmates are hating on me.)

i realised that i actually had a lot of people disliking me. and i actually wasn't aware of this cos initially i just didn't care. i just didn't bother. but when people said they started disliking me because they say that i've changed, do you even know anything?

if you said that "oh Mary, you've changed." how are you to know that? perhaps i did because i became stricter than before. but then again if you said i've changed because of the fact that i've been appointed as a councilor, think again. 

why am i asking you all to pull up your socks? why am i asking you all to stand up for morning assembly? why am i asking you all to keep quiet? (note: common sense?)
i'm sure you guys already know all the answers to these questions. those are simple school rules that i'm asking you guys to obey to.

from the start i didn't even want to change. i didn't want my primary school friends to change, in fact i didn't like change. i didn't choose to change, and those who said that i've changed a lot, i didn't even realise it myself.

so what if i've changed? who are you to judge me? do i still treat you the same way? have you known me long enough to know if i've actually changed from this kind of person to another? cos last time i checked, only my parents (and my sis) have known me well since birth.

moving on to another issue,
i don't like how some people are so full of words behind others' backs but when they face the person they become completely mute. they say so many things, so many swear words, so many complains, but they don't even dare to open their mouths when the person is right in front of them. isn't it a little illogical? i mean if you hate that person or how that person acts, just tell them. then they'd stop whatever they were doing to piss you off. wouldn't that solve the problem?

say it straight to my face of what you don't like about me, at least the outcome would be that i'd improve myself for you. wouldn't you want that? or maybe you wouldn't cos then you won't have anything to gossip about anymore. these kind of people are seriously weird.

moving on to the last one.
don't you find it a little stupid when someone's already pissed off and you still want to piss her off by joking. put yourself in her shoes. if you were the one who was pissed off and someone still continues mocking you. how'd you feel?

how to solve this? just shut up and don't say anything. why add fuel to the fire when you can extinguish it by keeping your mouth shut.

i usually try my best to keep my cool if my class gets out of control. you guys should be lucky that i don't just go around shouting at people. i'm still capable of that though.



and so lastly, whoever who finds anything annoying about me, be it my laugh, or my bad attitude (whatever it may be cos honestly i don't see anything 'bad' in my attitude), i'm sorry. so just have a mature mind and just friggin get over it. don't go plotting for revenge cos honestly that's just childish. ]


@maryxtinylamb
    looneysea.tumblr.com

it's ironic

in this mad world
where people hate society.
society is filled with hypocrites.
society talks about itself.
the sad truth is that
whoever is talking about society
is the society.
even i am a part of this society.
everyone is a part of the society.
yet everyone hates it.
it's ironic
of how people indirectly
talk about themselves.
it's ironic 
of how bullies say
"society sucks".
it's ironic
of how such judgmental people
say that the society is bad.
but then again
the real question is
at the end of the day
who is society?

(now the word society sounds weird.)

@maryxtinylamb
    looneysea.tumblr.com

the gooseberry ; perspectives

how do i even start this subject. haha.

anyway, a few months ago i was watching a show where a guy and a girl fell in love, but they weren't exactly together. they knew each other's feelings for each other, and they loved each other very very dearly. but something was bound to mess up this perfect couple. the guy got into an accident and he flew to another country, forgetting everything about the girl. then he got himself a new girlfriend, but of course he regained his memories and flew back to his home country for his first love. he left his girlfriend heartbroken.  

this show taught me a lot of things about love and everything else about it ( i loved how it was so relatable to me and other teens ) but this isn't my point. i'm here to talk about that girlfriend that he had in that other country. the fans of that show would say that she was a total dog, interfering with the guy and his first love's love life. but if you look at it in her perspective, you'd pity her and call the guy a jerk. 

if you changed the story and put yourself in her shoes, you'd feel her pain. her pain of how she felt cheated, her pain of how she felt like she was just the replacement, her pain of how she felt like she was just there to fill in that empty spot of his. it's painful for her, very painful.

this thought has actually been lingering in my mind for quite some time now, and it kinda hurts thinking about it. if i looked at it my way, if i'm the main character of that story, the people watching the show would say that the guy's first love would be the dog who stupidly came back to his mind and ended our perfect relationship. so it all depends on how you view the story. it all depends on your perspective of things. 

i'd be the dog if she was the main character.
she'd be the dog if i was the main character. 

i decided to share this as it's not always right to call your ex boyfriend's new girl a dog. it's not, at all. not that i had a boyfriend HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH but yeah.

i saw them happy, and i thought to myself that "i'd be that ugly b*tch in the show destroying their love story, so it's better to let them be and live on your own, dumping your past in the dustbin cause it doesn't have any use anymore."

me and ahem talk like normal friends now, and i guess both of us think that we have thrown our ugly yet beautiful past behind, but sadly that's not the case (for me at least) and we talk about his relationship alot. we're just super casual about it. it hurts sometimes, but i guess it's for the better.

and so me and my friend, francesca went to kfc last monday (12/5) and we saw him there. i said hi casually and he said hi back. he din't stop at our table though, he continued walking. then he sat beside his girlfriend, who was also in kfc. that made me realize that their relationship was real. i mean real. of course i knew that it was real from the start, but them being together right before my eyes was different. and that was then i told myself to really forget about everything, literally every stinking thing that happened between us.

and this is then why perspectives are very important. 

@maryxtinylamb
　looneysea.tumblr.com 

to your heart's content

a few weeks back, i sent an email to my ex-dance teacher from my primary school about "Mary's Adventures of Dance" and i thought that i'd share it with you guys too. Of course not the exact same words, just because HAHAHAH.

many of you have been asking me on ask.fm if i have any dance classes. i'd say no.

surprising or no? 

first, no dance classes cos no money mah, how go dance classes HAHHA. 

second, time consuming. kind of busy nowadays especially when it's exam period and the ndp thing going on. even on normal days when i'm completely free, i'm just lazy to get my butt off the sofa because #lazymary hehe. well in the first place if you'd ask me to choose between my laptop and dance, i'd choose my laptop HAHA jkjk. 

but yes, no dance classes. well, sunday stretching sessions in PA are an exception haha. they're not really dance lessons. 

so what got me into dance? 

well, cheesy story, it was my sister that got me into dance (and partially my primary school's talent contest). 

i asked my mom during dinner time a few days ago if i was already into dance when i was young, and she said "no? you were a singer and dance just came out of nowhere." and  i just laughed HAHAHAHAH   

dance just came when i was 10. there was that annual talent contest in my primry school, "kellock superstar" and at that time i didn't have any interest in dance. absolutely no interest in dance. (my cca from P4 to P6 was IT Club HAHA cannot believe or cannot believe?) but when i saw the contestants dancing, something struck me and after the performance, i stupidly vowed to myself that i'd join kellock superstar the year after. and i did. stupidly. 

so i signed up for the contest, picked two songs, combined it together and learned the dance, having no knowledge of dance at all. (credits to  my sis too. she learned the gee dance by snsd  and she inspired me hahahahah)  i watched the video every day to learn the steps and i stupidly (again) auditioned. it was a solo performance btw. and wow, surprisingly i got in. 

HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHHHAHHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAH.

AND SO I PERFORMED  MY DANCE ROUTINE AS A CONTESTANT 

but no i dint win cos there was no winner pft. teacher cheat my feelings. 

so yay first ever performance of dance was in 2011. and after that i started loving dance more and more. 

so 2012 came and i joined the contest again, this time with a group (gabby, patrina and sammi hahah thanks guys!!) so we danced our usual kpop to the whole school yay. of course there wasn't a winner again because idek pft.

so after the performance, we were asked by our teachers to perform more. 

on teacher's day we had to make another choreography and perform again, and also on children's day we were last minute called to do a gangnam style  mass dance lol (we danced in our uniforms which was kind of stupid cos we didn't have any costume) and yeah. 

the last performance was i guess our primary school's open house. this time, i danced with my class kpop (again), which was taught by that teacher that i emailed. the song was i am the best by 2ne1 and for some weird reason, our vice principal put my class as the opening act lol. i cannot i just cannot HAHAHHA thinking about it makes me laugh. 

and yeah, after primary school i took dance to a whole new level. i asked for a lot of advice from my ex-dance teacher about dance and if i should really take dance seriously. i must say that his advice-s were really good and i guess he kind of molded me into the person i am now. 

i decided to join the dance cca and cheerleading and i've enjoyed it so far. 

of course nothing in life easy, including dance. 

there are a hella lot of strenuous stretching, and it can be extremely painful sometimes. some dancers start at a young age and that leads me to be behind them cos i'm not flexible in any sort hahaa. fyi i cant do splits AHHAHA so it's harder for me when it comes to flexibility. 

i am though willing to take that risk to break bones and stuff to make my self a better dancer cos omg you know when i watch videos of myself dancing i just /le facepalm.  

i am planning to take dance seriously, but the life of a dancer is usually very short so i'm not really sure what i'll be doing yet, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yah. 

my passion of dance is still burning strong and i guess i've found what i really want to do in my life and i hope you'll find yours too :) 

AS A BONUS, 

i've decided to show you an ugly fetus of my old ugly bony self a video of me dancing to wonder girls.  

PFT. (i'm the one in the middle with the green long dress haha) so ugly omg i cannot

this is kinda blur so if you want the link, click this heart ♥

@maryxtinylamb
    looneysea.tumblr.com

あなたと

stealing

glances

showing

emotions

confessing

feelings 

caring

for you

worrying 

about you

lying 

to me

waiting

for the right time

becoming 

a lunatic 

barely breathing.