anti

you shouldn't be my friends. 

Why you may ask? The answer is simple. I won't entertain you. You'll be forgotten sooner or later. It's always like that. It has always been. We'll talk for a few days and we'll stop. Everything will be forgotten.  

"I've hurt enough people."

See.. I have a problem with myself. I seek for attention, for new friends, for company. You become my friend. We get along for the first few days. But after a while, I'll get bored of you, there'll be nothing in common. I'll get annoyed and I'll start ignoring you. This is the part where everything goes down the drain. You'll ask me why I'm ignoring you and I'll never answer, cause I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but yet I am  — unknowingly. I'm an idiot, that's why. 

I'm not anti-social, I like making friends. But. I need to make the right ones. When I ignore you, it doesn't mean you're the right one. It just means that we have nothing more in common and I'm too much of a coward to tell you that. We can be friends, but you need to understand that I'm actually not who you think you are. No one knows who's under that mask. No one. 

So a peace of advice. 

If you want to be a part of my life, get ready. I'll not really entertain you. Cope with me. 

and i also hope that someone will change this lazy side of me. i'm sorry. 

@maryxtinylamb

green

annoyed.

really annoyed.

super duper annoyed.

why do people get jealous? when i search the meaning of "jealous" on google, this comes out.

jealous

ˈdʒɛləs/

adjective

1. 1.

   feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.

and why is my topic about jealousy today? you can already guess.

the thing about jealousy is that if you are not attached with a certain person, you have no rights to get jealous when that certain person is together with someone else (be it dating, or just simply hanging out.) no rights, or in my language, walang karapatan.

then why do we get jealous? is it because we just simply care for the person or we're possessive? it can be both answers. so today, i did not exactly get jealous. i just realized something when someone blurted out something that wasn't even supposed to harm anyone.

"wah, then you can text your girlfriend until 2 in the morning."

i told myself a long time ago that he won't hurt me ever again. i'll forget everything that happened between the two of us and just move on with life. now that reality struck me hard, it's impossible to do such a thing. "lock it and throw away the key," they say. but what they don't realize, that throwing away that precious key is easier said than done. saying sorrys won't help. because when you try to pull out a pin from a cork board, the cork board will still have a whole.

that sentence above that a certain person said made me realize that it's easy for a guy to get over a girl. but it's 10 times harder for the opposite sex. you can try getting hurt, and see who heals faster. i told myself that, perhaps i was too boring. too sensitive. too everything. but society just hurts everyone. you just got to stand up. no one's going to pick you up.

that sentence above made me think about how we used to be, and when the person said that line, i stopped laughing and stopped reacting to everything that was happening. but what i didn't know until now is that i've been doing a crime myself. i'm denying myself and i keep on telling that it'll be fine, but it won't and never will be.

why green then? simply because everyone uses the phrase "green with envy."

for a second i felt envious of that special 2am girlfriend of his. i felt envious because i was never really there for him. it's annoying to know that you can't really do anything to help that special someone. and it hurts when you know that that someone is ignoring you, thinking that you don't even care.

i got over it. when i saw him today, no emotions were let out. it was really as if nothing happened between us. i didn't react when he kept on texting on his phone (i usually did and all the negative thoughts will come to my mind). i thought, "wow, i've been doing a good job forgetting stuff." But no, not at all. The best memories will never be forgotten. Not now, not ever. and so i was green. not because i wanted to puke, but because for the first time, i admit that i was jealous.

i am the jealous type after all. 

@maryxtinylamb

orange

and so i realised that i haven't formally introduced myself. credits to sandra daahhhhlinngggg. 

game start. 

name? mary. you dont need to know the rest. age? turning 14 next year. birthday? on the eighth of january two thousand. country? philippines and singapore. so those are the basics. off to the random questions. 

What do you order at Starbucks? 

    "i dont buy anything from starbucks." 

One thing in your closet you cannot live without? 

    "my sweaters and rompers i guess."

What’s one thing most people probably don’t know about you? 

    "i am as crazy as hell."

Name one thing you want to do before you die… 

   "go to a super expensive hotel." 

What’s one food you cannot live without? 

   "probably kitkat crunchy." 

What quote/phrase do you live by? 

   "keep your chin up." 

What’s your most listened to song on itunes?

    "i dont have itunes i'm sorry. but favourite song would then be 'my prince' by park boyoung."

What kind of style would you define yourself as having? 

    "uncool."

Favourite number?

    "7,8,11." 

Two Hobbies?

    "dancing, blogging, dream recording."

Two Pet Peeves? 

    "when someone scratches their styrofoam box,cup, etc. and when people dont respect their teachers."

Guilty Pleasures? 

    "pokemon maybe? and teen titans."

and why orange? this is the reason. orange in chinese is chen. chen is a member of exo. exo is from smentertainment. in sm entertainment there is a fabulous singer. the fabulous singer's name is kim jongdae. kim jongdae's name is chen. chen is cool, haughty,extravagant, lazy. but most of all chen is kim jongdae. and kim jongdae is the only one. 

tousled

and so. if you know me well, you'll know that i like to dream alot. haha. before i sleep, i'll remind myself to dream. the dreamworld is the only place where i can be myself and unrealistic things can happen. the dreamworld is also the place where i can simply forget about reality and "let it be." 

this post will then be about my dream last night (131027).

dreams are vague and extraordinary, and that's why i like them. they are mostly unrealistic and anything can happen in the dream world — which includes things that you would never expect, like what i dreamed of. 

last night in my dream.

i just finished performing in my church(?) but in my dream the church wasn't a 'holy' place. for some reason the church building was more like a circus setting. (i don't really remember this part) so after doing my act i didn't have time (?????) to change properly. so i came out of the church with tousled hair tied into two ponytails, and my pinafore was inside out (with my pe attire and tights inside), and i didn't have a bag to put my stuff so i was carrying my clothes in my hands (including my undergarments lol). so when i was heading towards the traffic light, a certain person and his brother saw me and they were heading out of the church gates. you guessed it. the certain person was bliz himself. (this is why i'm writing this hahahha)

{ so you kind of know the fact me and bliz are neither enemies nor strangers, but we're not really friends as well. acquaintance maybe? yeah. we haven't really talked about stuff and our friendship is neither here nor there. so, back to the dream. } 

bliz's brother (yes he does have a brother) called out my name, which made me trip over my pinafore (lol) which made it harder for me to avoid them (i dropped my clothes that i was holding too which made me harder to run away) . they were approaching me and i wanted to escape but.... FAILED. so... in the end i gave up running away from them and they approached me. so i said "what you want." and bliz (who was wearing a v-neck blue top and white bermudas (dont ask me why i'm describing what he wore)) smiled and asked, "you want to hang out? (a.k.a walk around)" and i was like OK THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO SET THINGS RIGHT. GO FOR IT. and i said "ok." 

so. we crossed the traffic light(???) and he sat at a pavement, thinking. so i asked him, "what are you thinking about?" and so he replied, "her." i knew he was referring to his girlfriend so. i kind frowned for a millisecond but smiled again and sat beside him (I KNOW TOO CORNY MARY WHY ON EARTH//). 

"so what happened between you two?" 

"nothing." 

and for some reason his girlfriend appeared before us like poof and said, "nah we're over." 

{what are you thinking mary. he's gonna get super angry when he finds out about this.} 

and there were much more things that happened in my dream which are kind of confidential which i will share with my diary hehehehehehe. so yeah. just wanna say that this happened. stupid but yes. 

i know it's bad to be a busybody and think that you'll have a chance with someone who's already taken. it's bad, super bad, really bad. and that's what's wrong with me. i keep on thinking that i'll be given a chance when he's already taken and he really likes her (love is a big word that must be used correctly). i should really stop this and move on. 

is he not worth my time? 

start

so tomorrow is the start of holidays. two whole months. how am i gna spend it hahahahaha. prolly gna play for the whole november and study a little on the first half of december (not gonna happen).

so why am i writing a blogpost? "theres nothing better to do." that's why.

i've been reading some of my friends' blogposts and i didn't know that i actually played a big part in their lives. so at first i didn't really believe that i mattered, considering the thing with bliz, and how my siblings treat me. then i think again, "why am i being so serious? loosen up abit, mary." people now have been encouraging me. i even received a 'question' on ask.fm saying that i'm awesome and bluhbluh. ( i prolly sound super arrogant now.) sorry for boasting.

but i guess it's time for me to buck up and forget about the past. time to move on. it'll be hard, but there are people who care and love me. I can't let them down. sorry again to bliz. sorry for interfering. (i really need to stop the habit of saying sorry).

meanwhile, i should think of what i should do during my 2 months break. CANT WORK COZ STILL TOO YOUNG UGH SO ANNOYING HMPH. i rlly wanna help my family though.

so it's gonna be the start of something new.