turning back the pages

eXo — miracles in december ( chinese ver. ) 

我望眼欲穿

看我看不到的你 

我侧耳倾听 

听我听不到的你

看到曾看不见的画面

听到听不见的声线

你给了我超能力

在你离开了我以后

曾经的我 太过自私

只照顾我自己

曾经的我 太傻

不懂得你的心

现在的我 一天天在改变

明明你不在我身边

却因为你而改变

因为你给的爱

每一次我想你

全世界每一处都是你

夜空下的雪花

每朵都是你的泪滴

好想你瞬间就在眼前

好想让你回到我身边

这无力的超能力

也没有办法挽回你

曾经的我 太过自私

只照顾我自己

曾经的我 太傻

不懂得你的心

现在的我 一天天在改变

明明你不在我身边

却因为你而改变

因为你给的爱

把时间冻结

回到你身边

那回忆的书

翻回过去那一页

那一页的你我

那时候的你和我

不够坚强的我

天天在改变 因为你的爱

你改变了一切 (我整个生命)

这一切 (我整个世界)

曾经我对于爱

情不懂感谢珍惜

曾经我以为爱

结束也不可惜

而现在我 却因为你改变

明明你不在我身边

我的爱还在继续

就像没有边际

把时间冻结 (我还想)

回到你身边 (回到你身边)

那回忆的书(那回忆)

充满悲伤的语言

随着眼泪消失

 再回到那白色季节

我望眼欲穿 看我看不到的你

我侧耳倾听 听我听不到的你

I gaze longingly
at the you whom I cannot see
I listen carefully
to the you whom I cannot hear

I see the scenes that I couldn’t see before

I can hear the the voices I couldn’t hear before

You have given me super powers

From when you left me

The past me was too selfish,
only caring about myself
The past me was too foolish
to understand your heart
The me of now is changing every day
Clearly, you’re not by my side
But I am changing because of you,
because of the love you gave me

Every time I think of you

My whole world is filled with you

The snow that falls in the night sky

Each one is your tears

I wish that you could appear in front of me in a moment
I wish that you could return to my side
These useless super powers of mine
Are unable to bring you back to me

The past me was too selfish,

only caring about myself

The past me was too foolish

to understand your heart

The me of now is changing every day

Clearly, you’re not by my side

But I am changing because of you,

because of the love you gave me

Let me freeze time
And return to your side
Turning back the pages
In this book of memories
The you and I from that page
the you and I of that time

The me that is not strong enough

is changing everyday because of your love

You changed everything (my entire life)

Everything (my entire world)

The past me did not understand
how to cherish love
I once believed that
even if love ended, it would be fine
But now, I am changing because of you
Clearly, you aren’t by my side
Yet my love is still continuing, as if it knows no bounds

Freezing time (I really want to)

To return to your side (to return to your side)

That book of memories (those memories)

Is filled with words of sadness

As my tears disappear

I return once more to that white season

I gaze longingly at the you whom I cannot see
I listen carefully to the you whom I cannot hear

reminiscence

i can't believe it's already december. oh how time flies. it's kinda scary though. because it'll be
one month to a new year
one month to a new start
one month to january
one month to new beginnings
one month to havoc
one month to school
one month to my birthday.

back to the beginning of 2013.
when i started out my first year in stc, it was kind of scary. to be honest i didn't want to go to my school at all. from my primary school, my secondary school sounded really scary. it was the last of the last school i wanted to go to. but sadly, i had no choice but to go to stc.
i was glad that i made many new friends, and many of them offered me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a guide to my new life. after a few weeks, i got used to my new school. it wasn't that bad after all.

i met amazing people, but of course those old ones weren't forgotten. they were still by my side and they are the people i trust. they keep my secrets, they're the best counselors and they are just amazing people. 

i'm sure you guys know who you are, those are your twitcons ;) i figured that if i show your faces then, you'll shoot me with a gun heheh oops. but thanks for always listening to my nonsense whatsoever and i shouldn't write a super long corny / cheesy / mushroomy message coz it'll take forever. no seriously. 

then there's the other memories ; 

those were beautiful memories. very beautiful memories. 

and if i share more pictures everyone's gonna be boring so bye bye ♥

the good times. 

so, 

do you want to build a snowman? 

@maryxtinylamb

anti

you shouldn't be my friends. 

Why you may ask? The answer is simple. I won't entertain you. You'll be forgotten sooner or later. It's always like that. It has always been. We'll talk for a few days and we'll stop. Everything will be forgotten.  

"I've hurt enough people."

See.. I have a problem with myself. I seek for attention, for new friends, for company. You become my friend. We get along for the first few days. But after a while, I'll get bored of you, there'll be nothing in common. I'll get annoyed and I'll start ignoring you. This is the part where everything goes down the drain. You'll ask me why I'm ignoring you and I'll never answer, cause I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but yet I am  — unknowingly. I'm an idiot, that's why. 

I'm not anti-social, I like making friends. But. I need to make the right ones. When I ignore you, it doesn't mean you're the right one. It just means that we have nothing more in common and I'm too much of a coward to tell you that. We can be friends, but you need to understand that I'm actually not who you think you are. No one knows who's under that mask. No one. 

So a peace of advice. 

If you want to be a part of my life, get ready. I'll not really entertain you. Cope with me. 

and i also hope that someone will change this lazy side of me. i'm sorry. 

@maryxtinylamb

green

annoyed.

really annoyed.

super duper annoyed.

why do people get jealous? when i search the meaning of "jealous" on google, this comes out.

jealous

ˈdʒɛləs/

adjective

1. 1.

   feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.

and why is my topic about jealousy today? you can already guess.

the thing about jealousy is that if you are not attached with a certain person, you have no rights to get jealous when that certain person is together with someone else (be it dating, or just simply hanging out.) no rights, or in my language, walang karapatan.

then why do we get jealous? is it because we just simply care for the person or we're possessive? it can be both answers. so today, i did not exactly get jealous. i just realized something when someone blurted out something that wasn't even supposed to harm anyone.

"wah, then you can text your girlfriend until 2 in the morning."

i told myself a long time ago that he won't hurt me ever again. i'll forget everything that happened between the two of us and just move on with life. now that reality struck me hard, it's impossible to do such a thing. "lock it and throw away the key," they say. but what they don't realize, that throwing away that precious key is easier said than done. saying sorrys won't help. because when you try to pull out a pin from a cork board, the cork board will still have a whole.

that sentence above that a certain person said made me realize that it's easy for a guy to get over a girl. but it's 10 times harder for the opposite sex. you can try getting hurt, and see who heals faster. i told myself that, perhaps i was too boring. too sensitive. too everything. but society just hurts everyone. you just got to stand up. no one's going to pick you up.

that sentence above made me think about how we used to be, and when the person said that line, i stopped laughing and stopped reacting to everything that was happening. but what i didn't know until now is that i've been doing a crime myself. i'm denying myself and i keep on telling that it'll be fine, but it won't and never will be.

why green then? simply because everyone uses the phrase "green with envy."

for a second i felt envious of that special 2am girlfriend of his. i felt envious because i was never really there for him. it's annoying to know that you can't really do anything to help that special someone. and it hurts when you know that that someone is ignoring you, thinking that you don't even care.

i got over it. when i saw him today, no emotions were let out. it was really as if nothing happened between us. i didn't react when he kept on texting on his phone (i usually did and all the negative thoughts will come to my mind). i thought, "wow, i've been doing a good job forgetting stuff." But no, not at all. The best memories will never be forgotten. Not now, not ever. and so i was green. not because i wanted to puke, but because for the first time, i admit that i was jealous.

i am the jealous type after all. 

@maryxtinylamb

orange

and so i realised that i haven't formally introduced myself. credits to sandra daahhhhlinngggg. 

game start. 

name? mary. you dont need to know the rest. age? turning 14 next year. birthday? on the eighth of january two thousand. country? philippines and singapore. so those are the basics. off to the random questions. 

What do you order at Starbucks? 

    "i dont buy anything from starbucks." 

One thing in your closet you cannot live without? 

    "my sweaters and rompers i guess."

What’s one thing most people probably don’t know about you? 

    "i am as crazy as hell."

Name one thing you want to do before you die… 

   "go to a super expensive hotel." 

What’s one food you cannot live without? 

   "probably kitkat crunchy." 

What quote/phrase do you live by? 

   "keep your chin up." 

What’s your most listened to song on itunes?

    "i dont have itunes i'm sorry. but favourite song would then be 'my prince' by park boyoung."

What kind of style would you define yourself as having? 

    "uncool."

Favourite number?

    "7,8,11." 

Two Hobbies?

    "dancing, blogging, dream recording."

Two Pet Peeves? 

    "when someone scratches their styrofoam box,cup, etc. and when people dont respect their teachers."

Guilty Pleasures? 

    "pokemon maybe? and teen titans."

and why orange? this is the reason. orange in chinese is chen. chen is a member of exo. exo is from smentertainment. in sm entertainment there is a fabulous singer. the fabulous singer's name is kim jongdae. kim jongdae's name is chen. chen is cool, haughty,extravagant, lazy. but most of all chen is kim jongdae. and kim jongdae is the only one. 

tousled

and so. if you know me well, you'll know that i like to dream alot. haha. before i sleep, i'll remind myself to dream. the dreamworld is the only place where i can be myself and unrealistic things can happen. the dreamworld is also the place where i can simply forget about reality and "let it be." 

this post will then be about my dream last night (131027).

dreams are vague and extraordinary, and that's why i like them. they are mostly unrealistic and anything can happen in the dream world — which includes things that you would never expect, like what i dreamed of. 

last night in my dream.

i just finished performing in my church(?) but in my dream the church wasn't a 'holy' place. for some reason the church building was more like a circus setting. (i don't really remember this part) so after doing my act i didn't have time (?????) to change properly. so i came out of the church with tousled hair tied into two ponytails, and my pinafore was inside out (with my pe attire and tights inside), and i didn't have a bag to put my stuff so i was carrying my clothes in my hands (including my undergarments lol). so when i was heading towards the traffic light, a certain person and his brother saw me and they were heading out of the church gates. you guessed it. the certain person was bliz himself. (this is why i'm writing this hahahha)

{ so you kind of know the fact me and bliz are neither enemies nor strangers, but we're not really friends as well. acquaintance maybe? yeah. we haven't really talked about stuff and our friendship is neither here nor there. so, back to the dream. } 

bliz's brother (yes he does have a brother) called out my name, which made me trip over my pinafore (lol) which made it harder for me to avoid them (i dropped my clothes that i was holding too which made me harder to run away) . they were approaching me and i wanted to escape but.... FAILED. so... in the end i gave up running away from them and they approached me. so i said "what you want." and bliz (who was wearing a v-neck blue top and white bermudas (dont ask me why i'm describing what he wore)) smiled and asked, "you want to hang out? (a.k.a walk around)" and i was like OK THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO SET THINGS RIGHT. GO FOR IT. and i said "ok." 

so. we crossed the traffic light(???) and he sat at a pavement, thinking. so i asked him, "what are you thinking about?" and so he replied, "her." i knew he was referring to his girlfriend so. i kind frowned for a millisecond but smiled again and sat beside him (I KNOW TOO CORNY MARY WHY ON EARTH//). 

"so what happened between you two?" 

"nothing." 

and for some reason his girlfriend appeared before us like poof and said, "nah we're over." 

{what are you thinking mary. he's gonna get super angry when he finds out about this.} 

and there were much more things that happened in my dream which are kind of confidential which i will share with my diary hehehehehehe. so yeah. just wanna say that this happened. stupid but yes. 

i know it's bad to be a busybody and think that you'll have a chance with someone who's already taken. it's bad, super bad, really bad. and that's what's wrong with me. i keep on thinking that i'll be given a chance when he's already taken and he really likes her (love is a big word that must be used correctly). i should really stop this and move on. 

is he not worth my time? 

start

so tomorrow is the start of holidays. two whole months. how am i gna spend it hahahahaha. prolly gna play for the whole november and study a little on the first half of december (not gonna happen).

so why am i writing a blogpost? "theres nothing better to do." that's why.

i've been reading some of my friends' blogposts and i didn't know that i actually played a big part in their lives. so at first i didn't really believe that i mattered, considering the thing with bliz, and how my siblings treat me. then i think again, "why am i being so serious? loosen up abit, mary." people now have been encouraging me. i even received a 'question' on ask.fm saying that i'm awesome and bluhbluh. ( i prolly sound super arrogant now.) sorry for boasting.

but i guess it's time for me to buck up and forget about the past. time to move on. it'll be hard, but there are people who care and love me. I can't let them down. sorry again to bliz. sorry for interfering. (i really need to stop the habit of saying sorry).

meanwhile, i should think of what i should do during my 2 months break. CANT WORK COZ STILL TOO YOUNG UGH SO ANNOYING HMPH. i rlly wanna help my family though.

so it's gonna be the start of something new.

nothing

yesterday i talked to bliz.

we were awkward. i needed two of my friends' help before i could talk to him. we were so awkward. he kept on avoiding my eyes. and i learnt something new! his favourite word is "nothing" and his favourite action is shrugging his shoulders.

"we're friends right."
*shrugs shoulders*
"what's happening in school?"
"nothing."
"eh must tell me."
"nothing."
"eh."
"really nothing what."

i dont know if guys say "nothing", they really mean it, coz i know if girls say "nothing", there is something. and now i'm blaming myself.
blaming myself for ditching him, blaming myself for treating him badly, blaming myself for everything. i dont know if i'm in the wrong or not.

you know bliz, if a girl asks you a question, dont try to lie your way out. because she already knows the truth. try lying again.

also, i want to say sorry to ylay.
sorry for judging you so quickly. sorry for badmouthing about you. sorry for saying that you have a bad attitude. last long!

and so, i've been crying my eyeballs out the other night. sorry. ((emogal101))
again, i guess i should just try moving on.

maybe it's time to move on and find something better to do rather than sit and think about this stupid thing.

@maryxtinylamb

talk

You know sometimes when you feel like there's something missing but you can't figure out what?

That's how I'm feeling now.

Me and bliz are somehow okay now, I've said my sorrys. But still, something doesn't seem right. I know, you're probably thinking, "Why do you even have a love life?" (my mom will kill me if she finds out about this hahah oops) things just happen, you know? You can't just avoid them.

Sometimes I ask myself, "I should really 'close' myself to these things. Why am I still bothered? I should be focused on my studies." But the feeling's still there. I need to know what it is before I can do anything else. It's not his fault that we're awkward now, but there's that something in between us. I've been thinking if I should talk to him (sorry mom) to sort things out. It just feels wrong. It just hurts.

The best memories hurt the most. 

That's what I've learnt. If I could ask someone to knock a flower pot on my head, i'd do it hahah. Then that way I'll forget everything that happened between us and I won't feel guilty or regretful anymore. I'll just walk past him and say "hi" normally like nothing ever happened. That would be much better, wouldn't it?

Sorry bliz if you're reading this. I don't know if you're still following me on twitter (which I doubt so) but if you somehow find this blog, don't ever feel regretful. You've had enough. Sorry again for making you feel bad and.. stuff. I'll try to set things right between us.

Sorry to my friends too who were affected. I really didn't mean to involve you and throw my tantrums at you. I'll figure things out during the holidays.

IN THE MEANTIME, i should really buck up in my studies. My grades dropped really badly (huhuhuhuhu) because of what happened and I should really wear those things that horses wear. So that I'll just look straight ahead.

So let's talk.

@maryxtinylamb

bliz

I know every teenager faces the same problems. Problems about love, friendship, family. Hahaha, sad to say, I'm one of those stereotypical teenagers (at the age of 13, wow.) Sometimes I just can't believe that a lot of things can happen within a span of 3 months (or rather 2.) well there is some things that can be shared and some things that are to be kept a secret. Let me introduce to you, my main character of today's blog post. This person shall be named "bliz."

Once upon a time, me and Bliz here had a deep, very deep friendship. We were friends since we were 5, and it's been about 8 years now. We shared many things — laughter, tears. And you guessed it, he liked me. Liked. And then... many things happened between since this year, June. We got a lot ( i mean A LOT ) closer. Many people thought we were dating. ha ha. But sorry guys, we weren't. 

So from July ( or august, don't really remember :( ) the epic drama started. Tears were shed and yadayadayada. Our friendship shattered like a fragile mirror. It was over. Everything. We didn't give each other goodnight messages anymore. Sad, huh. (uh, no.) He got himself a girlfriend and yeah. It didn't work out at all. I tried talking to him but he kept avoiding me. I kept on telling myself, "and why on the earth is the girl doing the talking." But I never lost hope. 

A few weeks back, my siblings, cousin and I were at home, lazy-ing around (AAAS USUAL.) I was rolling on my bed, bored to death (seriously that day i would rather kill rats in a farm ) and my mom called. She said, "Do you wanna eat out? Meet us at Alexandra Village at 7 sharp." And I was like, "Oh ok, Alexandra Vill. Okay." Little did I know that someone would be there too. Guessed who yet? Yes. 

Bliz was there. He was friggin there. I was laughing with my family, and BOOM he goes pass my table, glancing everywhere. When I saw him, my heart literally stopped. It stopped. I stopped laughing like a seal and I started shivering. In my mind I was like "WHAT IS THAT THING DOING HERE WHY IS HE ASDFGHJKL" yesyes that was how I reacted. I bet he saw me too, and pretended that he didn't see me. So I was like, "ok fine. Be that way, ass." 

AND NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT TODAY. 

After my exams, we have post exams activities. And mine today was kayaking. Yay. Fun. No seriously. It WAS fun. I got super wet and my arms are really tired now and it was super fun. Me and my partner almost capsized xD Yeah so, during kayaking, we passed by some boats (dragon boats to be specific but I called the bananas coz they were yellow haha) and me and my partner, Cessa, were being competitive that day so we were in front HEHE WE COOL KIDZ YO B-) and all of the people in the banana were staring at us coz we were like maniacs screaming "LEFT! RIGHT! AH WE'RE GONNA FALL! COACH COACH!" yes. haha, okay time to introduce my second character of today's blogpost. Let's call her "Ylay" (pronounced as ee-lie)

Ylay has an attitude I don't like. Hah. And I think she doesn't like me either. She prolly calls me a flirt or whatavar. But she is one too so :D So because I kind of became friends with the coach, she was prolly jello or smth. and so at one point, we had to have our boats "huddled" and my our boat was beside our coach's. And a minute later, another of my friend squeezed her way into coach's and our boat, and Ylay laughed when she saw us. Like you happy? And I was like "okfine."

And after kayaking, we did our washing up. Yay, the exciting part. There was another school at the toilet area wearing blue tees. And guess what? Yes! It's Bliz's school. So I was like 'holy moly does that mean that he's here too?' My eyes scanned through the sea of blue people and BOOM HIS FACE SHINED LIKE DIAMONDS (not literally). And in my head I was like "oh. ok. SHIT. of all days." I was literally sobbing in the inside. I was damn frustrated. Like...

of all days. today?
Of all classes. Ours!?
OF ALL SCHOOLS.

HIS!!?!


God, I'm starting to think you're trying to telling us to talk and make up.

I mean, twice already. TWICE. If it's gonna happen a third time,
I. AM. GOING. TO. TALK. TO. THAT. BLIZZARD.
Yes, just hope that it won't happen a third time. And so back to the story. So apparently they were the group of people dragon-boating earlier. and that meant that he already saw me (coz I was laughing like a seal as usual and screaming for no reason.)  I got kinda frustrated so without thinking i go, "OI BLIZ." and he didn't look. So i go again, "EH BLIZ." and he looked at me. so my heart went 'babump babump' but i continued. "eh you pretend you dunno me isit." Lol yes I said that. His friends were like "OHHHHHHH" making the :O face. And guess what he did. He shrugged. Please. He friggin shrugged. Then I walked away, pissed hahah. And you know what? After that, Ylay and her friend called me, "eh mary is that bliz!?" Like excuse you are you interested in him.
Ylay started flipping her hair and stuff like that beside him (not directly tho) like uhm.. do you like him? Because last time I checked, you are attached. ahem.

yey okay done, finally done. meeting bliz twice coincidentally. it's scary you know omgomgomg.

fate?