everyone also knows that usually in new years people want to start anew, start fresh, forget about 2015.
yesterday, the 26th of january my teacher talked to me, asked me how I was. How i've been feeling, how my relationships with different people were, if i was happy and all that. i told her in all honesty that i was happy. i am happy. i found my happiness once again when me and my family flew back to our homeland, and since then i've never been better.
when i was there in the philippines i realised that i still had family. the whole of late 2015 i felt alone, even though i knew there were people there looking out for me. 2015 was just a really hard year for me. it was all right at first, but everything went downhill when March hit.
i started getting lost, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. slowly i didn't know what i was supposed to do. so many things were happening at the same time, and as someone who sees everything as a huge huge picture, i couldn't take it.
during my mid year exams i was so bothered by nonsensical stuff and small matters that actually didn't matter at all. my priorities weren't set right at all, even though i had a friend who constantly tried to remind me to set it right. i was so confused and i didn't know what to do. my family noticed the huge drop in my results, and i used "stressed" as an excuse. the real reason was because i was just simply lost.
i felt alone in school even though i had great friends, and all i looked forward to was going to church. while doing so i failed to realise that i was wasting so much of my time just waiting during the weekdays.
it's hard to believe since people see me as a really extroverted person. i express my feelings clearly, which includes starting a blog.
i was still puzzled and i had no goal in mind at all even after the stab i got when i received my results slip of my mid-year exams.
times got rougher between May to August. My CA2 results were also really bad, even though i kind of already realised what was going on, that i wasn't setting my priorities right. Despite the fact that i attempted to change my phone to a smaller and "less smart" one in July, and i attempted to change my ways, i was still depressed.
i even remember there was this one incident where i just walked into the classroom all glum and emotionless, and when my chemistry teacher walked in and started teaching, my emotions started building up so rapidly. thank god i was sitting alone that day. one of my classmates behind me offered to share her textbook with me that day since i forgot to bring mine. she suddenly noticed the weird aura surrounding me and asked if i was okay out of the blue. i suddenly started crying in front of her. lolsi hahahahahhahhahaahhahah. but i couldnt explain to her what i was feeling since even i myself didn't know what was going on inside me.
Times were especially rough during August.
so many fights were going on inside of me, my feelings and emotions got the better of me most of the time and i was hopeless and weak. i knew i needed a wake up call. my mom realised the change in my attitude towards studying and talked to me, asked me what was going on in my life. even my teacher noticed, and the only excuse i could give them was "I'm really stressed. there's alot of things going on now." (things referred to school stuff, like dance and house captain stuff).
well of course i was also panicking. i was scared that i'd need to retain since i was practically failing almost everything.
soon i realised that i just had to do something. i studied my butt off, i suddenly had so much drive in me, i swept all of my troubles under the carpet for the time being, and i just studied. i was constantly going to the library during weekends, making mindmaps, staying back in the canteen to do work. it was really hard especially when all the bad thoughts were just creeping at the back of your mind.
i used studying as a distraction because i really needed one. i was scared that if i didn't have anything to do i'd be swallowed up by my thoughts again. i borrowed countless books from the public library to occupy myself during my free time,
though it was a different story during the unearthly hours.
after my exams all my hardwork paid off, my teacher was proud of me, my parents were as well. i managed to pass most of my subjects with a decent score and i felt so much better.
october was kind of a good month, kind of not. i mended ties, fixed most of my problems, stopped slashing and i felt so much more confident. i didn't really need to worry too much.
november was a blur. november was just like a filler month. it was the month where i didn't really do much other than watch korean dramas, animes, went out on my own. it was confirmation month as well and i felt so enriched and good about myself. i was just waiting for time to pass.
december was the bomb. we flew back and i felt like i was in heaven the whole time, even though there were some problems along the way. mostly being with my old friends and family, especially my cousins, made me feel really HOME. being with all of them made me feel so loved and accepted, and they all made me realise that i was never alone. they were all just 2,355km away from me, nonetheless still there for me.
i learned how to love all over again.
i found myself again.
i found the true happy me.
it's a brand new year and my teacher asked me how i was feeling, how i was coping and even pointed out my more matured thinking.
"A lot better. i realised that it's a new year and it's time for a change. i realised that the me before was way too sensitive. i started seeing things in a different light. going home was literally heaven. i feel so much better, so much more refreshed and so much more enlightened."
i know times will still be rough, it already has even though it's just January. I know it will get tougher since this year is different for us millennium babies, and it's hard even now when you know that your guardian angel is all the way in philippines. long distance relationships(not literally, im single lol) are really hard, but we'll all pull through.
we will all pull through. you will too.
@maryxtinylamb
