to hold on or to let go?

everyone will soon reach this point where you have to make a decision of either holding on or letting go to something, be it friendship or relationship, material things or pets. one day your pet's gonna die and you have to face it. what would you do then?

I'm that type of person that never lets go.
i dislike change, i dislike the breaking of bonds and friendship because everything about those are just so meaningful. i get fearful when people change. i get fearful when friends start to drift away, especially if they're someone really really dear to you. no more everyday texts, no more morning messages, no more skype calls, etc.

i admit that i have tried holding on to friendships, afraid to let go. so afraid that sometimes the friendship just seems forced. you tell yourself "i wait, because it's worth it." believe me, i tell myself this every single day. friendships are so unstable and unpredictable, you never know when everything will just shatter and be forgotten.

same goes for relationships. let's say you have these two friends. they've been dating for almost 3 years, and suddenly they just break up out of the blue. even as a friend or a bystander, you'll feel really bad and shocked, being like "what?". You'd think that they would never ever breakup since they had such an unbreakable bond. but what happened in between? only they will know.

this leads to decision making of either holding on or letting go. you may have been holding onto something until you tire yourself out, leading yourself to helplessly let go. Or, vice versa, where you let go too early without even trying. Then you realise that you let go too easily, leading you to holding onto it again.

it really depends. sometimes if the other party doesn't make any effort, maybe it's really just time to let your hands free from the rope, and i should be telling this to myself as well. when you find yourself doing most of the work in a relationship or a friendship, it may be an orange light dear. if you see yourself struggling, if you see yourself getting blue ticked or even grey ticked, well it's time for a talk. a talk with the person about your struggles in the friendship and how it feels strained (unless you're okay with it.)

i have a friend that used to say, "it takes two hands two clap." friendships are forever shaky and unstable, but it really depends if you share the load and have mutual feelings towards each other. if not, i tell you nothing will work out. of course there are others where hope is clear in friendship. when the two parties just never give up on each other. that's definitely something worth keeping.
i know i have unstable friendships going on now, but they're somehow still surviving because we're all still holding on.


at the end of the day it's still your friendship, your judgment. to hold on or to let go, it's all your decisions. goodnight :)


@maryxtinylamb
 

flawed

** warning; this will all be words and talk. i'm not some fashion blogger with a million pictures so if you're disappointed that there's no pictures then you can stop reading here.


i've heard so many stories about people gossiping behind my back about how attention-seeking i am, or that i'm way too clingy.

i know alot of things. i know myself. i know what people think of me. the person that knows me the most is obviously myself. i know that i'm clingy, i know that i'm sensitive, i know i depend on people too much, and i especially know that i'm attention-seeking. if you think so too, judge me all you want. i don't want to hear any of it. changed your view of me? i don't care. because i already know what kind of person i am. i know what i'm capable of and what i am not.

i crave attention and i'm clingy cause i'm always feeling lonely. but you might be wondering "wtf you have so many friends how many more do you want to not feel lonely?" it's not the number of friends you have, but if your friends actually understand how you actually feel. yeah, i may have a ton of friends but it takes the right ones to fully understand you and be there for you.

i'm sensitive. because i just am. i'm that kind of person. if you can't take my shit, if you can't take my seriousness you can walk away. no one is stopping you. sometimes i take the lightest jokes too seriously. i can be easily offended. it has happened before.

bliz called me sensitive, that's why he gave up on me.
i didn't want the same thing to happen again.
guess i made it happen again.

"you can't be sensitive, you must be sensible," a friend said to me. i admit i can be really insensible sometimes. i'm sometimes unaware of what's going on cause i'm too focused on myself and my weaknesses, my own problems and mental instability. i'm always trying to be, i sometimes try to forget about myself and forget about all my worries just to focus on someone and help him or her.

i know my own flaws, and i know that i'm way too broken and dependent on people. i know that i'm always craving for attention, that's why i'm always needing someone. it's not a matter of just saying that you'll be there, but also if you will actually listen, give advice, feel empathy and not sympathy.


honestly i forgot why i even made a point to write this in the first place. staring into space, thinking of what happened on 16/5. i went off topic again, i guess.

Dear Precious,

I've been writing diary entries since i was 8. I still am now, and I'm 15. (ahem inside joke ahem). and over the past month of me being overly-attached to a friend, I realized that diary entries are somewhat the giver of my happiness but yet the culprit to my pain.

when i was 8, all i wrote in my diary were literally the things I did that day.
e.g "I slept over at Abegail's house and when we woke up we fed her cat." lol.

but as I grew up, the content of my entries in my first diary named Mylo (I name my diaries. I thought that it was too mainstream to be writing "dear diary" all the time. So instead i wrote "dear Mylo" or "hello Mylo") started to change. It was from doing daily activities, to having a crush, to having been crushed by my crush, so on and so forth. But that was when I was 11.

I wrote to Mylo until 2012 when I was 12. I stuck with him for 4 years until I had to change my diary cause he ran out of pages (oops).

I up(down)graded my diary to a much smaller one, named Precious.
Precious was great, although I dint write to her every single day. I mostly wrote to her when something good happened that day, or that time of the year. I grew so attached to Precious that i could spend 6 pages writing about a trip back to the Philippines. Then I slowly (really slowly) realised that i could spend 6 pages because I wanted to remember that, or those, moments very clearly.

Writing to Precious wasn't really an obsession. But since I was growing, a lot of things started to happen. When I was in doubt, I wrote to Precious. When I was in pain, I wrote to Precious. When I had a weird dream, I wrote to Precious.

A few weeks ago I decided to read her like a novel. I decided to read all of my past entries and I noticed a hella lot of things.
Firstly, I wrote a lot about people. They all had something in common for their own individual entries; "I'm glad to have him/her in my life."
Secondly, if I wanted to remember a moment, I could spend a whole hour writing about it. Each and every detail. This happened so often this year, that I could spend 10 full pages writing about what happened in those 30 minutes of moments. And I would write about the sad, the happy memories I spent. Everything.

Initially I thought that writing these memories would be good as I thought that "oh, two years down the road I'll read this again and remembering all of these memories like they only happened yesterday." Then amidst all of those thoughts, something struck me. Like what I said in previous posts, "the best memories hurt the most."
After writing all of these moments I realised that I was just internally killing myself.
All those happy moments spent with someone special to you written down wouldn't be so happy after something affects the party, and when you read all those moments again you're stabbing yourself.

I have not fully stopped writing to Precious, but I indeed learnt that if I would want to write something, I would want to make sure that they stay happy and I won't be affected by those words I've written when I read them again 10 months down the road.

Many memorable things still happen. I just have to tell myself that I wouldn't regret writing such a wonderful memory down, only to be shunned by it when something affects the relationship between me and another party.

Diaries are still great to keep. You just have to be really careful about what you write.

@maryxtinylamb

sensibility

i had to learn sensibility the hard way.




you know of how i never fail to mention that i'm really sensitive? i'm sensitive over the fact of me being sensitive. i needed bliz (refer to posts in 2013) to indirectly tell me off that i was way too sensitive, and because he said this, i indeed increased my sensitivity. because of this, he gave up on me. i never wanted it to happen again, until now.

i guess i just became so conscious about the fact that i was so sensitive that i totally forgot how to be sensible. i'm sometimes unaware of what's going on cause i'm too focused on myself and my weaknesses, my own problems and mental instability.

something happened today, on 16/5. my sensitivity got over me  — again. i took a light joke that was made by a guy too seriously that it lead to a serious fight between me and one of my "great" (<- at least that's how he put it) friends (let's put him as friend A). my emotions got the best of me and i just assumed the wrong and broke down, raging on my phone and crying while the others who heard the joke were practically still laughing their butts off. i just got so emotional cause of the joke they made relating to me. i felt so humiliated, and to me it seemed as if they made me sound like some despo who needed so much attention. i just got so sensitive i thought that i just couldn't trust anyone anymore. i needed someone(friend B) to calm me down cos i was just that infuriated.

and then after i got back to my senses another one of my friends(friend C. i have lots of friends pft) who made fun of me regarding the joke told me to "be sensible, not sensitive". i apologised to him after that cause i raged at him too (oops, sorry again to you know who you are). i was remembered about another time when friend A cursed me saying i was so insensible and he was like

"can you *deetdeet* be sensible for once"

yeap, i learnt sensibility the hard way. those words were so burning i got so depressed for a week. i was always crying, and i talked to so many friends about his words and our strained friendship cos i was so so so bothered about it. it got me thinking,
"did i really piss him off that much?"
"am i really insensible?"
"so sensitive but so insensible".
after a whole week, friend A approached me and we were back on good terms for that time being, even God acknowledged our friendship by putting a rainbow in the sky while we were in church (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHA). but we're back on bad terms sorry to say.

and yeah, i guess being sensible is better than being sensitive.
i'm always ranting about how sensitive i am, never thinking about being sensible.
too much sensitivity took my sensibility away, making me so self-centered, selfish, clingy and attention-seeking.

thanks to friends A,B and C for making me realise this. i'll try to become a better person from now on. and you know who you are A. whether you're reading this or not, honestly i'm speechless. but i'm sorry. i know my emotions love love love to get the best of me. please bear with me. you don't have to please me. i'll be more independent. i'll be more sensible. i won't think of myself too much. we're just two kittens licking each other's wounds. believe in me, A. i'll never let you down, ever again.


@maryxtinylamb

be strong, love.

be sad, love.

feel worthless.
feel dumb.
feel sad.
be broken.

but keep your eyes wide open, love.

feel worth it.
feel smart.
feel good.
be happy.

at the other side, someone is feeling the exact same way as you.
everyone's feeling the same way as you.
but what do they do about it?
they keep it in.
because they look out for those who are suffering the same way.
because they know exactly how it feels.

be strong, love.

# jasmine thompson ; drop your guard.


@maryxtinylamb

two-faced

have you ever felt so worthless. 
when everyone's just against you, and you feel like you're lower than dirt.
when your world is just crashing down and all of your emotions are just messed up. 
when you don't even know how to feel, what to even feel and what's your next step. 
                                                                                                      - the second face. 


people are two-faced.
the first face is the face they show to everyone — the happy face.
the face that everyone sees, not knowing what is happening behind the mask.
they don't question themselves, asking 'is this person really okay?' or 'i wonder if she's forever joyful' because they're just so occupied with their own things. everyone says a 'hello' to the first face, and the first face greets back a warm 'hey', but deep inside hides the second face.

the second face is what everyone has. the face they dare not show anyone. the shy face which actually shows so much more emotion than the first. but the second face never appears. it appears at night, when almost the whole world is sleeping.

when the second face can't take the pain anymore, it will take out a razor and start sharpening it's emotions, cutting off all the pain away, but leaving scars. the second face says 'hey it's okay, the first face will clean up the mess for me.' and so the first face does.

the first face wears a jacket, or perhaps many bracelets, or maybe even covering it with concealer, hiding all of the damage that the second face has done. the first face tells everyone who asks that it  just "accidentally" scratched itself somewhere, and "everything is fine". but is it?  no. and the second face will know this very well.

at the end of the day, both faces are the same person. and either way, the person is hurting herself.

i'm fine guys, everything is fine. 

- the first face. 

this was a pointless blogpost, so don't go criticizing it asking why i wrote this in the first place. this whole thing was written with my whole heart, of what i'm feeling now and what i want to write. own blog, own perspective, own emotions, nothing owned by you. 

@maryxtinylamb

    looneysea.tumblr.com

good morning and goodnight

It's already mid-Feb and only now then i updating blog lmao ahahah.

Ok so anyways, I'm back. Nothing new here since I rarely update.

Sec 3 life has been fun so far, and not to mention very stressful.
There's so many things going on at the same time, and it always seems like I'm not having enough time for myself anymore. Everyone needs to have their own down time every now and then, and it's so hard to find that time I need for myself, since everyday's a new day and a new adventure.

Everything is starting to pile up though. After something finishes, a new project comes, and the worrying is endless. For now I'm still able to cope with my studies, and hope that I'll be able to maintain this until after CAs, since I'm not having any kind of tuition now hahah. (but sure will die for amaths lah lol)

-

Many people have taught me that i shoudn't fully depend on people, especially when they don't even seem to care. They just sweet talk you to make you believe in them, but when you're drowning by yourself, they dont come to save you. They leave you drowning, gasping for air.

This year I want to make a change. I don't want to be that carefree mary that i always was, I want to be more careful in choosing who my real friends are because;

Sometimes we're just too blind to see that someone is always there for us when we're chasing after someone that never gives us the attention we deserve.
Sometimes we just have to open our eyes and see what we fail to see.
Sometimes you just got to ask yourself, who's really there for you?

Who's the person that truly cares about you?
Who's the person that will never fail to greet you good morning and goodnight when no one else does?
Who's the person that accepts you for you are, no matter how beautiful or ugly you are on the inside and outside?
Who's the person who will always love you no matter what?
Remember, God gave us eyes not to just see, but to also find and look for the ones that genuinely like and accept you.
Never take anyone for granted. Always open up, look around you. When you think that you're all alone, wake up. Someone is there for you. You just fail to see it.


So imma end it here. Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! I'm going to end this off by sharing with you some of the photos from the impromptu shoot with my fam yesterday (:

@maryxtinylamb
    looneysea.tumblr.com