sensibility

i had to learn sensibility the hard way.




you know of how i never fail to mention that i'm really sensitive? i'm sensitive over the fact of me being sensitive. i needed bliz (refer to posts in 2013) to indirectly tell me off that i was way too sensitive, and because he said this, i indeed increased my sensitivity. because of this, he gave up on me. i never wanted it to happen again, until now.

i guess i just became so conscious about the fact that i was so sensitive that i totally forgot how to be sensible. i'm sometimes unaware of what's going on cause i'm too focused on myself and my weaknesses, my own problems and mental instability.

something happened today, on 16/5. my sensitivity got over me  — again. i took a light joke that was made by a guy too seriously that it lead to a serious fight between me and one of my "great" (<- at least that's how he put it) friends (let's put him as friend A). my emotions got the best of me and i just assumed the wrong and broke down, raging on my phone and crying while the others who heard the joke were practically still laughing their butts off. i just got so emotional cause of the joke they made relating to me. i felt so humiliated, and to me it seemed as if they made me sound like some despo who needed so much attention. i just got so sensitive i thought that i just couldn't trust anyone anymore. i needed someone(friend B) to calm me down cos i was just that infuriated.

and then after i got back to my senses another one of my friends(friend C. i have lots of friends pft) who made fun of me regarding the joke told me to "be sensible, not sensitive". i apologised to him after that cause i raged at him too (oops, sorry again to you know who you are). i was remembered about another time when friend A cursed me saying i was so insensible and he was like

"can you *deetdeet* be sensible for once"

yeap, i learnt sensibility the hard way. those words were so burning i got so depressed for a week. i was always crying, and i talked to so many friends about his words and our strained friendship cos i was so so so bothered about it. it got me thinking,
"did i really piss him off that much?"
"am i really insensible?"
"so sensitive but so insensible".
after a whole week, friend A approached me and we were back on good terms for that time being, even God acknowledged our friendship by putting a rainbow in the sky while we were in church (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHA). but we're back on bad terms sorry to say.

and yeah, i guess being sensible is better than being sensitive.
i'm always ranting about how sensitive i am, never thinking about being sensible.
too much sensitivity took my sensibility away, making me so self-centered, selfish, clingy and attention-seeking.

thanks to friends A,B and C for making me realise this. i'll try to become a better person from now on. and you know who you are A. whether you're reading this or not, honestly i'm speechless. but i'm sorry. i know my emotions love love love to get the best of me. please bear with me. you don't have to please me. i'll be more independent. i'll be more sensible. i won't think of myself too much. we're just two kittens licking each other's wounds. believe in me, A. i'll never let you down, ever again.


@maryxtinylamb

be strong, love.

be sad, love.

feel worthless.
feel dumb.
feel sad.
be broken.

but keep your eyes wide open, love.

feel worth it.
feel smart.
feel good.
be happy.

at the other side, someone is feeling the exact same way as you.
everyone's feeling the same way as you.
but what do they do about it?
they keep it in.
because they look out for those who are suffering the same way.
because they know exactly how it feels.

be strong, love.

# jasmine thompson ; drop your guard.


@maryxtinylamb