I'm coming back to this blog after a few years. Reading all my blog posts, I realise... I am still the same person. It kind of hurts seeing that I am still as sensitive as ever. It still hurts seeing all the heartbreaks I used to face, looking back at the 13-year old me having to over-exaggerate the life she was living.
It's October, and I'm 18 now. Despite the fact that 5 years have passed since I first posted on this blog, sometimes I still find myself reading my old posts and realising that I haven't exactly changed. I still have unanswered questions and sometimes I feel like I'm not moving an inch from my shell. Sometimes I feel like I'm just purposely doing this to protect myself, and sometimes the reason is as bright as day - to get the attention I seek from people who care.
It's been 5 years since this journey of self-seeking and insecurities started, and reflecting about it, I'm still unsure of whether I have made any progress in my self-growth. I would like to think that this journey of mine is normal, that all in their teens face. Sometimes I think that something is wrong with my brain because I overthink my situations way too much and I shed too many tears over-exaggerating issues and problems I face. Sometimes I think that there's really something wrong with my brain, and sometimes I convince myself that I am completely sane and ordinary.
Times have changed, scientifically and logically, but sometimes I feel like my world never moves. Time doesn't change, because sometimes I just feel the same.
Friday, October 12, 2018
Strength
Was I stronger before I met people?
"If you want to be strong learn to enjoy being alone." - @thegoodquote.co
Before I engaged myself with people, I didn't mind being alone. I didn't mind shopping alone, I didn't mind eating alone. I didn't mind traveling alone nor did I mind watching movies alone. This sounds like the ultimate loner life but that was the life I was living back in my secondary school days. My friends would beg to differ and I would sound like I'm self-victimizing myself, but honestly, I didn't mind. It was somehow therapeutic to be alone. But now that I have very important people in my life and a loved one I never want to lose, has being dependent on them made me a weaker person?
Is being independent the only justification of how strong a person is? Or can a person also be strong whilst being dependent on people? Is a person strong just because she is able to speak for herself? Or can a person also be strong when she needs a voice to speak for her?
How do I tell myself that I've become a stronger person as compared to the 15-year-old me? How do I tell myself that 'It's okay to fall' when all I want is to hold myself together? How do I break out of this never-ending loop of doubt I have in myself? Where do I start answering myself?
"If you want to be strong learn to enjoy being alone." - @thegoodquote.co
Before I engaged myself with people, I didn't mind being alone. I didn't mind shopping alone, I didn't mind eating alone. I didn't mind traveling alone nor did I mind watching movies alone. This sounds like the ultimate loner life but that was the life I was living back in my secondary school days. My friends would beg to differ and I would sound like I'm self-victimizing myself, but honestly, I didn't mind. It was somehow therapeutic to be alone. But now that I have very important people in my life and a loved one I never want to lose, has being dependent on them made me a weaker person?
Is being independent the only justification of how strong a person is? Or can a person also be strong whilst being dependent on people? Is a person strong just because she is able to speak for herself? Or can a person also be strong when she needs a voice to speak for her?
How do I tell myself that I've become a stronger person as compared to the 15-year-old me? How do I tell myself that 'It's okay to fall' when all I want is to hold myself together? How do I break out of this never-ending loop of doubt I have in myself? Where do I start answering myself?
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